11:11 AM Monday, June 25, 2007
im so tired of it.. really am. i hate people who are so hypocritical.
i dont think i will be going so often anymore. u guys ar really so hypocritical.
its like, at some moment u seem so nice and welcoming, the other u just care about yourselves and neglect the others who really really want to be part of u, part of your gang and clique. and why is it so that i can't get in? i mean, literally get in. mentally be part of u and be on your mind when im not there as and when.
that day when u said u wanted to take a picture of 'bao jia' together and excluded me, i was so hurt. seriously. in fact, i was fighting back tears when i was in the toilet. i dont know how to explain it. i can feel unwelcomed when im with u all.
even the shopping incident tells it all. u shop and then u isolate yourselves to talk alone. that i understand. but then u talk in pairs. and left me alone wandering around like a dumb freak. yes, dumb freak. i mean, what is that man?
seriously, i wouldnt consider this a fellowship. i would consider it to be more of a union. a union of cliques. boys clique together, girls clique together. and everyone included in the clique forms a big clique which will not and never allow anyone to enter or leave it. i hate it. i hate it so much.
u make me not feel like going for fellowship anymore. i dont feel like anymore. i dont want to go anymore. am i allowed to think this way? why cant i have my own thinking? one less person wont make a difference anyway, it will only lessen all of yall's burden.
maybe its me. maybe im too sensitive. but im like that, and theres no way i can change that even if u gave me a million bucks. and let me say this, this is not the first time i've experienced this kind of isolation and so-called humiliation to me. and i dont like this feeling. if im not welcome, fine, i leave. i rather be alone than suffer and go on with this kind of hypocritical friendship in a so-called fellowship.
yes, i will not be attending. so just mark a '0' across my name. until i feel that i miss fellowship too much then i will return. and dont bother asking me why cos i will answer u just as hypocritically.
