11:12 AM Thursday, November 08, 2007
gotta blog long long today..
ytd charmaine told me she blacked out at home. and i was asking her how it felt like. lols. so today i finally know how it felt like -.-
i was still okay today.. only that this morning i woke up to feel slightly dizzy for more than 10 mins. but after a awhile i sat down, the dizzyness start to fade away. and for the rest of the day i was quite all right, until in the evening when i showered. -.-
well, i was just showering when i suddenly felt dizzy again. and then things started to blacken. immediately i grew very frightened, and somehow i did not have the strength to shout for my mum. i held on to the sink and then i squatted down.. and then, luckily, i didn't faint.. phew.
frankly speaking, i dont know which is worse.. to faint or to black out.
well, fainting is scary cos u never know when u will faint, and u never know what happens until you wake up.. but blacking out is also very terrifying.. u are conscious, and being in such a state will really scare one out of his/her wits..
i've fainted twice and i NEVER wish to faint ever again. the first time i fainted i fell front and when i woke up my mouth was covered in blood and my front tooth almost dropped out. but I really thank God that it didnt.. it was so shaky the roots were almost as if they were not intact anymore...
and i DO NOT wish to black out ever again cos its an equally horrible feeling... darkness just comes suddenly around you and u never know what might happen at the next moment.. imagine crossing the road and suddenly blacking out...........
ayys.. shan't think of that... too gruesome..
but i didnt tell my mum about it.. i think its really nothing much and i dont wish for her to worry unduly.. i remember the first time i fainted i woke up to see her crying her lungs out.. she dont know what the heck happened to me.. and up till now i still dont know the reason why i fainted -.-
but yeah, maybe the reasons i blacked out this time was becos i have high cholestorol/high blood pressure. LOLS. i think the second is impossible cos i have low blood. -.- lols.
okay, i dont wish to talk about this no more.. its not like as if its a very big issue anyway..
so, moving on...
i changed my blogsong to Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You". i listened to it for more than 10 times today. and i just sang it extremely loud from the bottom of my heart when my mum went out just now.. i feel so much better now..
oh that says it. perhaps i was too depressed, thats why i blacked out. LOLLLL. very unlikely.
okay, so here are the lyrics to the song..
"Because Of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
touching ain't it? i think this song is really beautiful.. i want to sing it over and over again..
anyway, thank you my darling for listening me out again.. but i guess it wont be needed anymore..
i dont know what to do with my life.. i am so... so very tired... i wish to have a long sleep... i want to disappear for awhile.. say 1 week.. i wish to go to the beach and scream at the sea.. but i know after screaming, nothing would change, life would still be tired, i would still be depressed. i wish to stay at the beach for eternity.. just watch the waves hit the shore.. wash away the sand..
i wish to just stay there...........
i want to go to the beach.. ):
it seems as if writing the letter makes no difference.. i am even more depressed now..
tired.. really tired.. wash me away, so that i can sleep.. eternally..
u know, got one sentence to say here..
ending my life doesn't seem appealing AT ALL, but it really is tempting.. =/
let me get over it soon..
somehow i just can't cry.. crying definitely helps alot.. but i cant seem to cry now..
):
